Controlling Myself

I have found that my ability to control my own emotions is slowly decreasing. I cant tell if it is because of him  or simply because my hormones are raging inside of me at this stage of my pregnancy. (32weeks) My heart aches because the reality is that I just dont know how to control myself anymore. I dont know how to control my emotions or the things that simply roll off my tongue with such ease. I can admit whole heartedly that I have not been the nicest person to be around. My patience is running thin. and I am seeing the effects it is having on Michael. In his eyes, I can see him begging me to love him like I once did. He so badly wants me to tell him that things are the same as they were before the accident, but they arent. I know it isnt his fault, but he is just so childish that my frustration starts to build and build until I can barely contain it. I can barely hold together my composure to even look somewhat happy in this relationship. The truth is simple. I need help! But I just dont know where to get it. I need someone to talk to who has any idea or even an inkling of understanding for what I am going through. 

I wish I had the ability to let the little things slide off of my chest like when he makes a stupid joke, when he asks questions similar to what a seven year old child would ask, or when he feels like being argumentative about the littlest things. For awhile, I was doing good. However, it seems like my old habits are starting to catch up with me. The closer I get to my due date, the higher my expectations are for him. I know that is not fair. But I need him to grow up. I need a man, who can make rational decisions, and can act like an adult to help me raise my child. I do not need an argumentative child fighting with me every step of the way. I realize that I may be setting my expectations too high for him, but what am i supposed to do? Will he always be this child like person? Will things ever get better? Who can answer these questions for me? I need more emotional support than what he is able to offer me right now. I need him back, and I just dont know if that will ever happen. 

I am scared that I do not have the emotional strength to deal with these feelings. I do not want to walk away, I do not want to be weak. At the same time I hate these feelings of being miserable and lonely. We are almost 10 months into his recovery, and we are 2 months away from having a baby. What do I do?

 

No New Friends

One of the hardest parts of moving is making new friends. I have always had trouble making connections with people (especially other girls). I have a small group of very close friends, but obviously none of them live close to me now that I have moved to North Carolina. At first this didn’t bother me because I was so focused on spending time with my family. But now I am starting to get to this point where I miss having a friend to meet for lunch, or someone to go shopping with. I thought that once I started working it would be a little better, but I have been working for about a week and am starting to realize that no one I work with is really around my age. I dont know, I suppose I just need to stay positive. It is just so hard to make new friends being 7 months pregnant, engaged, and not knowing anyone to start with. Its not like I can just show up to random places and expect to meet people. Blah. Trying to stay out of depressing mode. Maybe I am slightly home sick. 

 

Some Days I Feel Hopeless

 

One Step Forward // Seven Steps Back

I started to see the man I fell in love with again. I started to see the glimmer in his eyes, and the love in his heart. I got excited. It just seems that those glimmers, and those good days don’t offer much promise for what tomorrow will be like. 

We are currently living with my father’s side of the family & even they are starting to get frustrated with his antics. It is so annoying because it just puts me in the middle. 

Yesterday, my dad pointed out to Michael that his temporary tag for his car was expired, and that he should be very careful because cops will pull him over and get him a ticket. Mike insisted that people do not get tickets for having expired tags, and that my dad didn’t know what he was talking about… After that, he asked if I still wanted to go to dinner. I said yes, however I would feel more comfortable going in my car so that we don’t put ourselves at greater risk for getting pulled over. That put him in such a rage, he was screaming and cursing at the top of his lungs on the front lawn. After he finally calmed down, I told him I would still feel more comfortable in my car causing him to leave me at the house and go to dinner by himself. 

There are a lot of things which I can tolerate, being disrespected and talked to like a dog is not something I usually allow men to do. Am I giving him too much lee-way because of his injury, or is this just an aspect of him that I need to accept? My heart hurts.  I always thought that we could make it through anything, but it seems like everything is getting better except for this issue. His father was very demeaning, and verbally abusive towards women Michael’s whole life. Before the accident I never saw any sign that Mike would be the same, however, after the accident those red flags seem to pop up quite frequently. I do not want to leave him when he needs me the most, but at the same time I don’t want my daughter to see her father treat her mother in such a negative way. 

Mikes First Day Back To Work

First things first.. Mike started his new job on Monday. I am so proud / happy for him & I have noticed such a positive change in his attitude. It is great to see him finally getting back into the world, and feeling good about himself again. I guess the hardest thing about caring for someone with a TBI is the unknown. The truth is that no one can give you a timeline for when things will get better, no one can tell you when its time to let go a little bit or when its time to hold on a little tighter. You literally have to take it all day by day and pray that you are making the right decisions for the person you love. I was struggling so much being scared that I was letting mike do too much too fast. But as each day goes by I realize that, at this point, it was time to let michael make decisions for himself. All I could do was try to guide him in the right direction & support him no matter what. I know there is still a long road ahead, as with any TBI patient, but no one ever did better with their lives by sitting in the house, playing PS3 all day. I guess the best advice I can give to anyone caring for someone with a TBI is to not lose hope, do not lose focus, and do not forget what you are fighting for. No one has all the answers, all you can do is keep faith that things will get better. 

 

 

ahhh pregnancy … lOl. I am 26 Weeks & 2 days. My baby girl is kicking, kicking, and it feels so good. 

Accepting A New Job While Pregnant

I am super excited today because I got the official job offer from Wells Fargo! 
I havent worked since we have moved from FL back in June. So, getting this call was a huge relief, not only is WF such an admirable company to work for but they offer complete health benefits as soon as you start, which is exactly what I needed seeing as how my baby will be here in November. As excited as I am, I have my reservations about starting a bran new job at 28 weeks pregnant (I cant start training until Aug. 28th) I am so scared that I will not be able to prove myself as a hard working employee in the time before I give birth. I am also nervous about having to tell my new boss that I will have to leave for maternity leave in two months. I can only pray that she will be understanding, but in reality you never know. I have read horror stories online about women who were fired after revealing their pregnancy to their new bosses, and they weren’t nearly as far along as I am going to be by the time I start working in the branch. 

 

On another note, my fiancé and I have had some rough days in the past week. Last Friday he had another break down where he got somewhat phsyical by grabbing my face causing me to fall on the ground in my struggle to get away from him. I don’t know what exactly triggers these episodes of aggression, but as you can imagine they are extremely scary especially with a baby girl on the way. He refuses to get any help because he truly believes that his brain is completely healed. I don’t know how to explain to him that it’s not. He never takes full responsibility for his actions, instead he would rather blame me and my “attitude”. I know I cannot completely blame the TBI for his outbursts, but I also know that his inability to control his emotions is a classic side effect of his type of brain injury. I don’t know what to do… It is emotionally draining. Thus being said, I don’t know how to stay in love with someone who I cant express myself to. I don’t know how to be the fun loving fiancé I once was when I am scared of the man who was once so gentle. I do love him, but I don’t feel comfortable expressing affection, or being myself anymore. Another problem that I have noticed, is that Michael is getting increasingly sensitive about his injury. He interprets what everyone says to him as a secret way of them calling him retarded. That is just not the case. He doesn’t know how to accept / embrace help. Instead he just reacts in such an arrogant way, often times sounding somewhat disrespectful to the people who are trying to help him with everything he needs. Its embarrassing how much of a smart ass he is when talking to people. & I don’t know how to explain to him how horrible some of the things he says sound to others without him getting angry with me. 

 

What a whirlwind of emotions going through this house. I am trying to be happy, and stay positive. I just need some help. 

 

xoxoxo

Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) and The Family

just an encouraging article I wanted to post. I wish i would have found it sooner.

Losing Myself

It is safe to say that at the beginning of this journey I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I underestimated how much my fiance’s brain injury could/would change both of our lives. Before he came home, I thought of the injury as something similar to a broken leg. His brain was broken, after a few months it would heal, and things would be back to normal. How wrong was I? How naiive…

Even now 7 or 8 months after the motorcycle accident I find myself questioning every move I make and every thing I say. Due to Mike’s injury, it is nearly impossible to know how he will respond to anything. It seems so odd considering that we used to have such a great bond that needed very little words to understand each other. I am not a perfect caregiver. I am far from it. But I try. The hardest part has been letting go. Understanding that Mike, even if it fails, has to make his own independent decisions. I cannot and should not keep him in this bubble. It would make the both of us miserable.

I have to admit that this process of recovery is harder than what I thought it would be. I am starting (unintentionally) to lose my patience. I want so bad to have the man I had last year. I know he may never be the exact person he was but I just miss having my partner. I miss having someone I could lean on, I could trust, I could confide in. I know I must sound so selfish. The reality is while being the caregiver I have lost myself. I dont know how to be his fiance, or his best friend anymore. All I can think about is what the doctors did or didnt say about everything. The love we have has changed. His temper tantrums, his hurtful words, and his aggression have almost completely turned me off from being a lover, now I am more focused on just making sure that my daughter has a father she can depend on. I would love to feel that whirlwind of romantic emotions again, but it seems that every time we go out I am reminded of how child like and irrational he has become. So I am begging to the world to help me… I am begging for some kind of hope that things will get better for him, for us, for our daughter.

pregnancy

On another note, pregnancy is truly kicking my ass. I always joke to my family that if sex ed told kids not only the hardships of having a child, but the hardships of being pregnant in the first place then the rate of teen pregnancy would drop dramatically. lol. My back has been killing me, and it seems nearly impossible to get comfortable at night. My belly is at this awkward stage where people don’t know if im pregnant or just fat. So they sit and stare at me to get some type of clue or idea. How awkward.
Regardless, I am so excited to have my little angel here with me. I will finally have a tour at my hospital next week !!

The one thing that people keep telling me

The one thing that people keep telling me is to “not get stressed” & “stay calm” … and all I can think when people are telling me these things is how am I supposed to NOT be stressed when everything I do is for one person who doesn’t seem to even have the ability to appreciate it. How do I stay calm when a simple question turns into my fiance throwing my dresser on the floor & throwing a glass of water at the wall. It seems impossible. My fiance was once a very loving, funny, and easy going person. He was truly my best friend. We could talk for hours, and I could depend on him for any / every thing. It seems almost surreal when I think of how much our lives have both changed. It seems like God was sending me a sign telling me to never get comfortable because I never know when everything can be completely turned upside down. His accident happened on Black Friday of last year, and although he has come such a long way and has made a massive amount of recovery I still feel like he is so far from the person he was before. I have no one to talk to anymore. My best friend is gone. The hardest part is only 8 months into his recovery, my fiance truly believes he has healed completely. Trying to explain to a 22 year old why he can’t drive anymore or why he can’t drink or go to the casinos with his friends has put the biggest strain on our relationship. Since he has been living with me from the time he left Atlanta (where he was doing his inpatient treatment) I have had to become the bad guy every step of the way. Granted, I am only 20 years old. Juggling working full time, going to school full time, and being a caretaker was quite difficult. Some nights I would come home from work, lock myself in the bathroom, and cry my eyes out in the shower. I had no way or time to take care of myself. That was my biggest mistake. After I found out I was pregnant I knew I had to make a change. That is when I made the decision to pack up everything and move my fiancé and I 10 hours away to North Carolina where I would have the support of my family for not only myself but for him. So far we have been in North Carolina for 2 weeks, and I have seen some improvement now that he is around more people (being social) and getting more exercise. The only thing which is still causing some issues is his inability to control his temper & mood fluctuations. My hopes are to get him into Cognitive Therapy to help. Now that he is getting more independent, I can finally start to take care of myself and unborn daughter. 

Gotta Keep Moving Forward….

 

My first blog post :/ ehhh… I guess

My first blog post ehhh… I guess it would be good to start off with what is inspiring this blog in the first place. I am a 20 Year old soon to be mother with a fiance who suffers from a TBI. (Traumatic Brain Injury) It is crazy to think that just a year ago I was a normal, single, fun-loving college student. The combination of being pregnant & being a caregiver for a stubborn 22 year old have caused me a lot of stress. Talking to family members, I was reminded how much of a relief writing used to be to me. I’ll admit that it has been awhile, but I thought this would probably help deal with the pain. 

On a side note. . one thing my fiance has taught me since the injury is that patience is truly a virtue. Not trying to sound corny or cliche but it is the truth. I was never known for my patience before the accident but being a caregiver it has become essential. Without patience and understanding I dont know if I would be able to keep my sanity. 

I will probably write more later. This was sort of a little intro. 

Have a good night.