It is safe to say that at the beginning of this journey I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I underestimated how much my fiance’s brain injury could/would change both of our lives. Before he came home, I thought of the injury as something similar to a broken leg. His brain was broken, after a few months it would heal, and things would be back to normal. How wrong was I? How naiive…
Even now 7 or 8 months after the motorcycle accident I find myself questioning every move I make and every thing I say. Due to Mike’s injury, it is nearly impossible to know how he will respond to anything. It seems so odd considering that we used to have such a great bond that needed very little words to understand each other. I am not a perfect caregiver. I am far from it. But I try. The hardest part has been letting go. Understanding that Mike, even if it fails, has to make his own independent decisions. I cannot and should not keep him in this bubble. It would make the both of us miserable.
I have to admit that this process of recovery is harder than what I thought it would be. I am starting (unintentionally) to lose my patience. I want so bad to have the man I had last year. I know he may never be the exact person he was but I just miss having my partner. I miss having someone I could lean on, I could trust, I could confide in. I know I must sound so selfish. The reality is while being the caregiver I have lost myself. I dont know how to be his fiance, or his best friend anymore. All I can think about is what the doctors did or didnt say about everything. The love we have has changed. His temper tantrums, his hurtful words, and his aggression have almost completely turned me off from being a lover, now I am more focused on just making sure that my daughter has a father she can depend on. I would love to feel that whirlwind of romantic emotions again, but it seems that every time we go out I am reminded of how child like and irrational he has become. So I am begging to the world to help me… I am begging for some kind of hope that things will get better for him, for us, for our daughter.
pregnancy
On another note, pregnancy is truly kicking my ass. I always joke to my family that if sex ed told kids not only the hardships of having a child, but the hardships of being pregnant in the first place then the rate of teen pregnancy would drop dramatically. lol. My back has been killing me, and it seems nearly impossible to get comfortable at night. My belly is at this awkward stage where people don’t know if im pregnant or just fat. So they sit and stare at me to get some type of clue or idea. How awkward.
Regardless, I am so excited to have my little angel here with me. I will finally have a tour at my hospital next week !!
freethyheart 